That’s why I’m going to stop doing it. At least for now. Until I’m ready. The best way to stop doing it and to create distance (typically) is to leave the country. Yes, to just run away. The only problem is that now there are things like international plans and with easy internet access, email, and everything cooperating with you other than the time zone, it’s really actually quite easy to interview from afar. I suppose it’s also easier to use the excuse, “I’m sorry I sound like such a dumbass right now. It’s the jet lag.” That works well. Everyone understands jet lag. 

The experience of interviewing makes you remember all the past horrors of interviewing and how utterly lost you were in all those past iterations as well. So, let me remember a few.

Example 1: While interviewing for my first job after college, one of the interviewers asks me, “So why are you interested in this job?” My response: “Well, I can’t waitress forever.” Stony stunned silence. Well, I didn’t think I could make the case that I was a social scientist or population health researcher…so I had to go with the truth. There is a thing called a job that you’re supposed to get after college, so I’m doing that. Duh.

Example 2: I have an interview with the head of HR where she wants me to take 10 minutes to teach her something. I decide to talk about the competition over resources as the driver of ethnic conflict in Sudan. (???). Eyes glazing over. Polite nods. I see the thought bubble over her head: “Is this chick for real?”

Example 3: I’m at a consulting interview. I inadvertently insult the guy by implying that we are similar because we don’t have business backgrounds (he has a PhD in physics, and I have a master’s in international affairs). He insists that we have nothing in common and then proceeds to ask me some crazy question about biofuel production capacity. I don’t understand half of what he’s asking me. They should really let you Google stuff during interviews. I mean, half of doing any job well is being able to Google shit you don’t know and be effective in implementing it. I believe my first question was to ask him to define “biofuel.” And then I stared at him blankly. That did not end well. Hilariously, I saw him again years later at a friend’s 30th birthday party in CO. He still looked a bit uptight. I guess those things don’t change.

Example 4: I’m in an investor relations interview. The guy asks me what the GDP is of some tiny African country. Um, excuse me, but am I applying to be on Jeopardy? During the same interview, I was asked what I thought about the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. I suppose that was a leading question and that I wasn’t supposed to give a fair and balanced critique. Ding ding ding, they’re probably investors! You’re supposed to love them. This was the end of an 8-hour day of interviews, and he says to me several times, “Good luck with the rest of your job search.” Thanks, man.

Example 5: This is not an interview-related example, but it somehow sums up my interviewing issues so well. Or the first day of my comparative literature senior seminar workshop, when everyone had to go around and talk about their research interests. (People had research interests?!). When it was my turn, I pronounced without any sort of preamble or follow-up explanation that I was quite interested in hermaphrodite memoirs. Why can’t I answer questions like normal people?!

I’ve had to go through all sorts of bizarro things for interviews. For one hedge fund, I had to act as an investigative journalist and go through a whole role-playing exercise where I called up everyone in the due diligence department to ask a bunch of questions and then write up a report. Well, they were indicted by the SEC for insider trading, so there were other issues going on there. In another set of interviews, I had to listen to a bunch of tapes of meetings (yes, all meetings are recorded) and undergo interviews that were more like Freudian psychoanalytic sessions. Yes, this is what I’ve done in my career, but I can’t keep answering questions about deep character flaws that were manifesting or driving me in those moments. The fun part was that their culture values “radical honesty” so you could totally be an overt dick to the interviews, and they loved it.

I guess I either want to do something or I don’t. It’s pretty clear for me. But talking about leadership styles, research interests, and blah blah is just not my idea of fun. I like to work, not get the work. AH!

In my latest round, I’ve been talking to large tech companies, nonprofits, friends, startups, and private equity. It is a slog. You always wish you had answered the question a bit differently (actually, very differently). Right now, I’m seriously confused about why everyone doesn’t love me or want to hire me on the spot. Slightly facetious but somewhat true.

I really just want to work for myself. It could be time!

OK, so let’s be positive. What I will say about interviewing is that it does help you gain greater clarity, on what you want to do, who you are, what you value. Also, it’s just fun to see how a bunch of different companies operate.

Some lessons learned:

1. Yes, you are unique and sparkly and want to stand out by not being afraid to be honest. That makes you confident. No. Do not be too honest. Do not rattle off a list of your weaknesses. Tell them what they want to hear.
2. Be brief. You want to talk about the complexities and nuances, but don’t bother. Even if it’s not quite accurate, just explain it in a way that’s easy for people to understand.
3. Write down some examples with details on performance, who was involved, your role. Use those examples to answer all questions.
4. Run it like a political campaign. Have your messages and stick to it. Sell.
5. Don’t be too smart.
6. Arrive with ideas on their business, but only ideas that are not too radical or will make people feel threatened.
7. Answer hypothetical questions like they’re real. In real life, you’d want to actually make informed decisions. I feel that they don’t really want you to do that in interviews. They just want you to give an answer.
8. Practice.
9. Be confident but not arrogant.
10. Smile. Laugh. Be someone people want to work with. But don’t be too laid back even if they’re laid back.