It was the last week of freshman year of college, and I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs in the quad in front of John Jay Hall at Columbia University. My boyfriend had just left my expensive camera in a taxi, and I completely lost it. Looking back, I now realize that it was not this event alone but the accumulation of events dosed with heavy immaturity that led to this outburst. Our friends looked at us agape, feeling awkward, and likely thinking that I was some monster. At the time, I think I must have imagined that they were on my side and that I was yelling and proving my case so obviously.

When we are young, arguing can feel so real and potent. A necessary component of passion and love, so raw and so real. He would always beg us not to fight, and I would argue that it was healthy to fight.

Now I see it as being somewhere in the middle. It is necessary to figure out the best way to be honest and express yourself without being destructive.

My last night in Seoul reminded me of many other poignant endings and moments in my life. I sometimes try to find things that are wrong, so I can be upset…maybe it makes me feel more in control. Maybe it’s a cry for help.

It was Halloween in Itaewon, and we were at a beer bar. Skinny french fries were splayed across and layered in a basket in front of me. When I commented on my weight loss goals, he told me to stop being a girl. In the past, he’d told me to stop being a “dumb girl” and other comments that I know weren’t meant to offend. This time, I decided to say something, in part of see how we would come out the other side of it. Needless to say, it ended up in a fight, in grave silence, a wall thrown up between us.

Relationship dynamics are tricky, particularly around the imperfect nature of communication and feelings. Relationships are supposed to make you feel good. There should be radical honesty and transparency and forgiveness…or so I thought.

What I realized is that it is important to find a way to express yourself in a setting that is not charged and do it gracefully in a way that doesn’t offend the person. Be specific, be clear, and yet don’t make it feel like an attack. In many cases, this means not saying things in the moment.

It feels to me like a common paradigm for the woman to feel upset and for men to constantly be walking on eggshells or winning back their love. Is this how things are supposed to be? I know that this has been a problem in all of my relationships. Men who don’t feel like they’re doing a good job of being a boyfriend start to lose confidence and have meltdowns.

Why are we the most honest and yet the most hurtful in our most intimate relationships? It is like it’s closer and more real if you can bring that tension and honesty to the fore in a way that you wouldn’t be able to do with a stranger.

There is a balance to be struck here, and this is my next task.