How do we prevent our issues from the past from dominating the discourse and our thought patterns in the present and future? Sometimes there are lessons that get served up over and over and over again until you’re ready to not only learn them but radically course-correct your life according to that lesson.
“Lesson! Yes, I hear you and am in service to you, and I will change everything to show you that you have been learned. OOOOMMMM.”
Here are some lessons I’m learning the hard way:
- Set boundaries. When you get used to people crossing your boundaries over and over again, it affects your self-esteem and overall sense of self. You are telling yourself and others that you don’t matter, that you have no right to ask more of the universe and people. It’s not okay for people to make you feel bad even if they didn’t mean it. Either communicate or walk away. Don’t go down the path of “maybe if…” Or, “I don’t she meant it that way.” Or, “maybe he’s having a bad day.” I love to give people many chances and rationalize away their bad behavior – it’s like a specialty of mine. People don’t change unless they truly want to and recognize it at a deeper level. Earlier this week, someone really nice said to me, “I think I may have crossed the line.” Boundaries at work! No one has ever said that to me before. And I had to walk away even though I didn’t want to, out of respect for myself. I hope this will become an instinctive habit rather than a conscious and painful undertaking over time. It’s hard to see the death of possibilities, but “sometimes, soooo-metimes you just have to walk away,” as Ben Harper would say.Assume good intentions but be prepared to take appropriate action.
Continue reading 10 lessons I’m learning →
I woke up this weekend in a 2-3-drink level mild hangover funk. Both days. I rolled out of bed for yoga and then rolled back into it to stare at the ceiling, my favorite activity. I’m not going to diminish the fact that I was having a mini-existential crisis, wondering if my future was in LA and processing the fact that I’d left my job, my home, my friends and community, and my old self behind. I was alone. I wondered if anyone other than me would save me. “Is there anyone there?” I asked. Negatory, I concluded. There is no God. Just a Gracelette. Damn.
My cure for this was not more cowbell. It was a focaccia pesto vegetarian panini and french fries outside Bistro Figaro.
I shuffled in a black and blue romper that is way too short for me to wear anywhere other than the beach and in a neighborhood where I know no one. It was breezy and sunny, projected to be in the 90s. I imagined myself on Sundays at Le Monde in Morningside Heights Manhattan, sitting outside on wicker-ish chairs reading the New York Times, except that I was reading a sky blue paperback copy of “Popular Lyric Writing 10” while typing notes in my iPhone. The man on the shared wicker bench to my left looked artsy and seemed a bit gruff to the waiter, who delivered and took away the check. Why does he have to be like that, I wondered. Continue reading Voice in my head = man next to me at the bistro →
It was 92 degrees in LA on Saturday, the hottest since I got here. It was a warm, dry pleasant heat. A perfect beach day. I was hung over from a half bottle of wine. I considered leaving my neighborhood. It was a forced consideration. I decided to go to Venice where my business partner lives. A guy I met at a high school alumni event and with whom I started writing music and had considered dating lives there too.
On low battery, I went through the routine of getting my gray Prius (now scratched in the front and missing a hubcap) out of the garage and re-padlocking the door. I drove 55 minutes to Venice Beach, where I had a picture of a pin drop sent to me. My music friend who looks like Kurt Cobain was at home, unable to really muster up energy to meet me but asked me to stop by. Or to go to the part of the beach right in front of his building. Always putting in most of the effort can be exhausting. Continue reading Beach day →
Until LA, I have rarely had bad dates. By bad dates, I don’t mean bad people. I mean nice people. But just that feeling of wow, I really need to escape so I can be back at home staring at the wall blankly for hours again because that would be so much more enjoyable. Sometimes, it takes a long time to not feel drained and then to recover from being drained.
I was actually excited to meet date #1. He is a cinematographer with some kind of military honor. We met at a wine bar within walking distance of both of our apartments. He was exactly as late as it took him to walk to the bar. I hate lateness. It was 8pm. I was starving. He had been in LA for 10 years, never killed anyone, went to art school in Israel, and now was a cinematographer verging on producer who taught classes at the American Film Institute. We drank 2 drinks and went to another bar called “Good Luck Bar.” I politely bid him adieu after that. I’m pretty good at the 1:1 conversation for the most part, especially with men. I carried it as far as I could. Then I went home and ate the remaining 5 slices of whole wheat bread at home and passed out. Continue reading 2 dates, 2 Israelis, 1 bar, 1 Korean →
My LA life is a mix of being an artist and business person. When you try to fit into so many different worlds and selves, it’s not the easiest thing to negotiate your identity and intention with yourself. Also, just logistically, it’s not the easiest thing to do. There are only so many hours of the day. Best practice in life seems to focus on just 1 thing. My deadline for starting to develop and act on that focus is May 8. Until then…
- Starting my consulting business
Working with a partner I met through a mutual friend. We’re helping with brand, strategy, and business development, with some emphasis on fashion. We’re sort of working on a related tech startup too, but that’s a little less defined. I hope this becomes successful! I don’t really want to wait tables at California Pizza Kitchen, but I’ll do it if it means free pizza. Here’s us on set in DTLA last week:
Continue reading 10 things I’m doing in LA →
This has been my longest hiatus from writing in this blog. Sometimes I wonder why I started this blog. Now that I’m back in the U.S., I feel much more circumspect about writing in it. What if the CIA finally responds to my application 10 years later and wants to interview me? Surely they will find this, and I doubt I would pass their stringent background check anyway. I wonder if my friends would tell them I was normal and stable… Hard to say which would take me down first. Anyway, these are some of the reasons why I almost completely stayed off social media for as long as I did. I thought one day I might actually have some kind of career–maybe not CIA but some kind of career like CEO of some public company–where it would actually matter. But now I sort of realize it doesn’t matter. My new existence seems to be writing from coffee shops for four hours a day, progressively learning how to be a human in the world (i.e., cooking, doing laundry, all that mundane stuff), and vacillating between applying for jobs and starting my own business. I thought about being an Uber driver, but since I can’t actually drive, that doesn’t seem like something that’s in my skillset. Barista, maybe barista! Continue reading Not writing…no, but actually writing →
I now have a natural repulsion to the place I’ve lived for all but 8 years of my life – New York. I remember the almost romantic feeling I used to have when returning to NYC from my travels, my sigh of relief at returning home as I easily communicated with the customs agents or saw the cityscapes whizzing by in the back of a yellow cab. Home. It was big, anonymous, always whirling. Yes, it was home.
When people would tell me they didn’t like the city much, I thought they were probably not particularly interesting (I used to be kind of judgmental…don’t judge). When my old boss Eric said he had to get out of the city at least every other week, I nodded but didn’t understand. I mean, what was the big deal? When my friends’ parents were always going to their country houses, I thought it was mainly for show and wondered how they could deal with such logistical hassles on a weekly basis instead of just walking around the corner for a bagel with cream cheese and calling it a day. Continue reading Returning to know →
My musings on life, travel, and (I suppose eventually) work. Just trying to balance left and right brain, the urge to do vs. be. Easy stuff.
