This has been my longest hiatus from writing in this blog. Sometimes I wonder why I started this blog. Now that I’m back in the U.S., I feel much more circumspect about writing in it. What if the CIA finally responds to my application 10 years later and wants to interview me? Surely they will find this, and I doubt I would pass their stringent background check anyway. I wonder if my friends would tell them I was normal and stable… Hard to say which would take me down first. Anyway, these are some of the reasons why I almost completely stayed off social media for as long as I did. I thought one day I might actually have some kind of career–maybe not CIA but some kind of career like CEO of some public company–where it would actually matter. But now I sort of realize it doesn’t matter. My new existence seems to be writing from coffee shops for four hours a day, progressively learning how to be a human in the world (i.e., cooking, doing laundry, all that mundane stuff), and vacillating between applying for jobs and starting my own business. I thought about being an Uber driver, but since I can’t actually drive, that doesn’t seem like something that’s in my skillset. Barista, maybe barista!

Ironically, my longest hiatus from writing is actually the most intense period of writing I’ve ever experienced. Da fuck? Well, I’ve been doing this insane thing of writing about my childhood for four hours a day. And I wonder why I’m in a daze all the time? Even the most hardcore therapists would not recommend that kind of behavior. Intense bootcamp healing seems to also be a form of self-harm and torture. I kid, I kid. But no seriously, it’s bad.

So I’ve been drinking venti iced coffees (what the hell is up with this whole nitro cold brew +$2 trend?) and procrastinating by eating spinach feta wraps. I’ve been surrounded by the wide stratas of life that flow through LA Starbucks and sitting at artsy cafes where everyone has their screenplay open, where I hear all sorts of weird pitches, where people are brokering some kind of production deal. Is that even the vocabulary for what happens when people talk about making a show or movie? Production deal? I need a different dictionary for this kind of town.

But mostly I’ve been taking up the hard work of writing. It’s like this blog has been training wheels for something way more monstrous than it was originally intended for. I can’t decide if I should be grateful or horrified. Only time will tell.