Saturday, May 6 was a special day. Gray skies and clouds hung uncharacteristically over the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area as I prepared provisions for the BBQ Pool Party planned in West Hollywood. I don’t know if there is anything actually cosmic about this date or whether “cosmic” phenomena even really exist. In my (pseudo-nutcase yet romantic) mind, I imagined the constellation in a particular configuration spelling out, “It’s yo day, Grace.” Too cloudy to know whether that actually happened or not.

Seis de Mayo is the 1-year anniversary of my last day of corporate life. The day before, I had flown into Chicago to tell my teams in person and on the phone. I had taken the 6am flight from La Guardia into O’Hare and took a car to the northern Chicago office (vs. the northern suburban HQ that I usually went to every week). I locked myself in a conference room and tried to catch my breath. I was still in my executive gear and mindset. Suited, cold, and trying to be as unflappable as possible. When the time came to face my team, I entered another room where most of them were seated in a rectangular configuration. The line was opened and beeps could be heard joining.

I shared the news with them and what I knew about the transition plan, thanked them for their professional and personal contributions, and felt deeply grateful for how hard everyone had worked and all they had given throughout my semi-short-lived tenure there considering many people had been there for 15-30 years. The shock was palpable, and I kept on my face but was holding back rivers of tears. I went into the other office and did more of the same, wrote out my goodbye emails customized to different populations, and hit send. I hopped back on the plane back to NYC and worked late into the night. The hardest moment was over.

The next day, I was in my office in NYC continuing to answer emails and make sure things were on track. I acted until the very last minute that I was still in that role. I don’t know if that was good or bad. Probably neither. I left and then had the only party I had legitimately ever thrown for myself in my life, complete with a Hello Kitty ice cream cake.

Over the course of the next year, I experienced and explored. Countries, nomadism, social circles, lots of aloneness, career ideas, entrepreneurship, love and disappointment, many beaches, music, art, writing. Stripping away the things I had put on to fit a mold of who I needed to be for a certain context. I want to say that was liberating, and it was, but it can be easier sometimes to fit neatly into something – anything. There are days when I wish I could be a cookie-cutter being who doesn’t constantly contemplate the contours of who I am and the deeper recesses of life. I guess it’s good work, but it’s also exhausting.

My one-year anniversary was smaller and more intimate, as my life has become. There was BBQ poolside in LA. I haven’t worn suiting since January when for a day I pretended (unconvincingly) like I might be interested in private equity.

So, I welcome myself back to the real world. I wish I had more answers, but I am in the process of finding them. It’s a start.