Category Archives: Life

Life, Politics

Race rhetoric and blame in America

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Race is a hard thing to talk openly about in America. There is always the sense of treading carefully, making sure not to offend, and speaking while trying to see things from another side’s perspective that you couldn’t possibly understand.

I woke up this morning and opened Facebook. “Asian American Are Now Being Targeted for Harassment After Donald Trump’s Victory.” The rhetoric around Trump’s ascendance is becoming unproductive. Hellooooo, we’ve been targeted for a long time. Those same people did not become racists overnight. This is not the first time they’ve told someone to go back to their country. Now they’re just adding the tagline, “Trump is president now” to validate it. They were racists before. That is the problem. Trump is not to blame for their racism. This us-against-them polarizing rhetoric is not the way to make progress in our country. There are more structural issues at play that needs to be addressed, not through lobbying barbs and calling each other stupid and hateful. With the exception of some of the socio- and psychopaths among us (whatever the clinical distinction is among them), I do believe people have the best intentions but maybe lack the perspective. That perspective – articulating it in a way the other side can not only understand, but feel. Continue reading Race rhetoric and blame in America →

Anti-Stress, Life, Travel, Work

Word-constructing meditation on stress

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I don’t know when the burnout started. I can’t pinpoint a moment. Achievement orientation seemed encoded into my being from an early age. Was I programmed for burnout?

It may have started in high school with the nights I chased a NoDoz with Green Mountain coffee at 11pm so I could cram all night for a test the next day. It could have been the years of working 100+-hour weeks. In my life, I had always felt that whatever shortcomings I had – and I felt I had many – I could overcome through sheer dedication and work ethic. I felt that if I could put in an additional 40 hours of studying to get a 99 (A) on a test vs. a 92 (A-), I felt that it was worth it to squeeze out that remaining X%. That I should push for perfection. And it worked for a while. It better than just “worked.”

During one of my interviews at an NYC-based hedge fund, I was proud when I proclaimed that I was working these kind of hours. Rick from the recruiting department seemed horrified, disbelieving, and fascinated at the same time. Continue reading Word-constructing meditation on stress →

Life

Insomnia

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I tend to think of insomnia as a form of fairly severe mental disturbance. I’ve been getting up earlier and earlier. Today was 2am.

These early morning hours were spent talking to people in London and the U.S., thinking, playing guitar, trying to upload photos (that failed to upload), interspersed with music.

One chapter ended with us leaving Suan Sawan Villa on Thong Nai Pan Noi and moving to Thong Nai Pan Yai beach.

I’m bleary and affected. Something is telling me I’m not following myself.img_2788

Life

Election Day!

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Another sunrise in my villa. I’m truly lucky to be staring out into an expanse that has probably looked more or less the same since basically forever. The lush green vegetation, the trees, the silence. A palm tree sways to the left of me. Hello! I can wave back because no one sees me.

And yet, it’s surreal to me that back home, 8,500 miles away, people are still streaming to the polls in one of the most historic elections of our lifetime. We’ve had a few of those.

It’s not an excuse, but I’m disappointed in myself for not being engaged enough in this election or in politics. There is always the question of whether an individual’s level of engagement can affect an outcome. Possibly no, when you’re talking about me right now. But if you apply that as a rule across a population, the resulting apathy is just sad. It’s great to see the level of engagement in this election, and I’m going to turn on the telly here in Thailand soon so I can follow along!

(Please be good news.)

Life, Work

Freedom is an ice cream cake: Happy 6-month anniversary!

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For the 6-month anniversary of me + freedom, I am giving us a present – the next level of freedom! On May 7, 2016, I embarked on a strange and beautiful journey. After a lifetime of workaholism, I voluntarily left my job to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I have no idea if I will find that perfect calling, but I am determined to give it my best shot…and to be patient with myself along the way.

Reflecting back on the arc of my journey to today, it’s pretty remarkable what has been required to shed the layers of expectation and habitual thinking around what I needed to do in my life to be considered a success in my own eyes and in the eyes of the world. My first week of unemployment was ebullient and frenetic. I threw myself a party, complete with a drunken “Happy Birthday” screech (um, it’s not my birthday! I quit my job…) delivered and serenaded by a friend as I was presented with a Hello Kitty cake. I had so many meetings that week – I considered jumping into other industries and jobs. I felt like I needed to be even more invincible, perhaps to make up for some insecurity around venturing into unknown jobless territory. Not having a job in NYC…you might as well not exist.

I traveled to CO, SF, NYC, SF, Japan, Bali, NYC, London, Germany, Sicily, London, Jeju, Seoul, and now Thailand. I started a consulting practice and worked with several startups and on London Fashion Week. Continue reading Freedom is an ice cream cake: Happy 6-month anniversary! →

Life

The impetus to change

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The desire to make a change didn’t happen overnight. It started with years of waking up and changing into my suit or business-wear. Mornings when I would wake up as one me and have to put on another face for work. When I had goals to meet, I always asked for more. I wanted to push the limits and always over-promise and over-deliver. I started to get somewhat jaded and desensitized because it stopped being fun. Continue reading The impetus to change →

Life, Travel

Snippets of Seoul

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A few months ago, I saw London go from summer to fall. It happened in a day. I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop wearing a romper from Bali and flip flops shivering in recognition. Today, I’m in Seoul. It felt like early fall and t-shirt weather yesterday. Today, a chill has come and sunken the city down a few spinal layers. I’m feeling not just fall but DEEP fall and the start of winter approaching. It’s cold and rainy, and I’m wearing a ridiculous fox sweatshirt that my friend Lux called my midlife crisis sweatshirt. I don’t really know what that means.

My time in Seoul has been social but quieter, with room for introspection and good 1:1 conversations. I’ve gotten to know people better. I’ve appreciated the lack of defined schedule and the time to process. I started making videos of myself giving myself advice every time I have a major realization. Continue reading Snippets of Seoul →

Life, Travel, Work

Nomad life in Seoul

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Yesterday was a string of cafes. Slack messages were incoming gathering our disparate group of “digital nomads” together for cafe exploring while working. There was Cafe Kkrumer (Here Comes That Dreamer), where we worked on bean bags on the roof before moving to the outdoor patio. We then walked to a library cafe chock full of people but no coffee.

We walked around Hapjeong to Hongdae. Then dinner at a place called Ugly Stove, where we had brunch that wasn’t even real brunch. We had gotten so used to family style that even though we all ordered separately, we instinctively shared the dishes. The night was spent milling around the street food of Myeongdong.

Street food

Along the way, we talked a fair bit about nomadism. There’s a digital nomad conference happening in Bangkok next week. I commented that I was curious about it, but it probably didn’t suit me very well considering that I’m not really a digital nomad. Continue reading Nomad life in Seoul →

Life

New leaf

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Bubbles are great. It is surprising how your mind state can shift so easily and dramatically. I’m in Seoul now, and I feel like a different person – back to myself. I’m sleeping more than 2-3 hours.

The weather here is springlike. The sun is shining. I basically haven’t left my Hapjeong hipster neighborhood. There is a cafe a block from my AirBNB called “Here Comes that Dreamer,” a sort of startup space and cafe. There is a rooftop with bean bag chairs. Somehow, I feel that I belong in this city.

One program of healing:

  • Daily yoga
  • Running
  • Resting
  • Cooking at home
  • Being outside
  • Learning new things

When I’m not sleeping in the future, I need to take myself out of commission so I can get some perspective. I am going to do that in the future. No more compromising on myself and my ideals, goals, and progress. I need to be compassionate with myself. I feel that I’ve wasted this past month in some ways by drinking too much, getting into a relationship of sorts, and not pursuing my goals sufficiently.

I made breakfast this morning.

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I need a home.

Life, Travel

Supermoon Sunday

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A supermoon is the coincidence of a full moon with the closest approach the moon makes to the Earth on its elliptical orbit. The technical name is the perigee-syzygy of the Earth-Moon-Sun system.

The full moon was 222,365 miles from Earth on Sunday at it shone overhead, so big and close and orange. That is 16% larger than average and almost 30% larger than the year’s smallest full moon. It reminded me of Smiling Buddha in Bali and the culture of measuring life in moon cycles.

It was my last day on Jeju Island. I woke up and did my daily ashtanga routine in unfamiliar surroundings. I was quiet within myself. We ate spicy kimchi fried rice for breakfast on the worn wooden floor on top of a folded blanket next to the yoga mat. There was an spoken and perhaps surreal, unknown finality to the start of the day. The alcohol drained from our system and pores, and life was real with a tinge of sad. Continue reading Supermoon Sunday →

Life

Last week in Jeju

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The hour glass has been turned upside down. I want this to be a productive week, a mix of getting things done and socializing.

The Jeju checklist has been mostly completed. My goals for the week:

  1. Work on partnership opportunities
  2. Refine my business website and make it much better (launched my site yesterday!)
  3. Learn a new song on the guitar (started – just need to practice)
  4. Hike Halla Mountain (complete)
  5. Make my Seoul arrangements (complete)
  6. Learn some CSS and HTML to start
  7. Write a story
  8. Figure out what’s going on with me and J
  9. Run
  10. Yoga daily for the rest of the time I’m here
  11. Decide whether or not I should go to Chiang Mai
  12. Pick up my f***ing dry cleaning
  13. Publish my first Medium post

I don’t feel like I need to learn Korean anymore. It is important, but it’s not the most important thing for me.

 

Life

Strange awakenings

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I can no longer sleep through the night. What started as 3am risings has crept back to 1am. Now, I’m sleeping 2-3 hours a night. I am not overly tired, but I can’t imagine this is healthy.

Tonight, I woke up around 12:30am or 1am after going to sleep at 11pm. I had the feeling that I needed to do something. Maybe I was late or perhaps there was something that urgently needed to be dealt with. But there wasn’t.

And then I thought about the holidays. It is almost that time of year. It doesn’t feel like it, but time has passed, and it’s fall. I’ve been away from home for a long time. I imagined myself in my apartment making coffee, eating salami, sitting on my couch. All the normalish type things I once did. I remembered our Thanksgiving.

Today/tonight, my mind wandered to the song, “Have yourself a merry little Christmas.” I suppose that we are coming up on the time of year when Christmas music will start playing in stores. The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree will be lit. The streets will be cold, and everyone will be in puffy jackets and wool.

Life

An extraordinary ordinary moment in time

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The sun was setting over tofu and natto bibimbap. It wasn’t a beautiful sunset, but it was picturesque. I looked out beyond the window panes with the restaurant alight behind me, ahead to the placid waters.

We sipped soy milk that tasted like spun cream and with eyes closed, I swallowed. How decadent. Sauce was poured over crispy tofu balls, and then they were quartered crudely with wooden spoons and devoured. The delicate bibimbap was kept mostly intact with bites composed of components of rice, natto, egg, tofu, nori, and other unidentifiable saucy components. A long cobwebby string would form between the natto and my mouth with each bite, and I let the slime form down further into my gut.

In broken Korean, I ordered some ice cream and looked over at my dinner companion, feeling a way I haven’t felt in a long time. Coupled. Continue reading An extraordinary ordinary moment in time →

Life

Seeking wisdom from my higher self

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Me: Yo Buddha.

Buddha: Yo.

Me: Is it okay to not know what I’m doing with my life?

Buddha: It is fine, but don’t let it be an excuse or a crutch. Action can be important in critical moments, but it is also the case that action can be addiction. Be purposeful in what you do and be true to yourself. Until you are ready to do that, it is more important to be still within yourself.

Me: Am I being still within myself now?

Buddha: I feel that you are asking the right questions, but I see you wearing yourself down with obligations, shoulds, and distractions. You seem to be saying YES a lot. You are open, but in opening so many pathways, be careful that you are prepared to walk through all of them. Continue reading Seeking wisdom from my higher self →