The other day, I was in NYC and asked a friend if I seemed at all different. “Have I changed at all in the past few months?” I asked, hoping he would remark on my amazing transformation since I quit my job in May.

“No,” he laughed. “You are EXACTLY the same. In fact, I think you complain even more now!” he boomed.

“Why is life so hard?!” I wailed mockingly (multiple times) in response while towing all my crazy luggage behind me.

Well, I feel different on the inside, OK?!

Thank you. Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this ecstatic and tumultuous period of my life, of me becoming something. Me becoming more me.

I can’t even properly count the thank-yous, but here’s a short-ish list. Continue reading Gratitude →

Just read this NY Times article, Why Self-Help Guru James Altucher Only Owns 15 Things.

I think I’ve found my temporary new role model. Like him, I’m without a real home, but I currently have 2 suitcases, a duffel bag, yoga mat, and guitar I’m roaming with. Time to reduce.

“The No. 1 search phrase on Google that takes people to my blog is ‘I want to die,’” according to him. I suppose that’s more uplifting than the 3 people who read my blog. Thank you, my friends. You’re all that is not ephemeral for me right now.

The past week has been a bit funk-di-fied. One of the most self-enriching things to do when you’re feeling aimless or down is to give back. Yesterday, I spent the morning volunteering for an organization called Achilles International. They operate independently but also via sign-ups through NY Cares, which lists volunteer opportunities across NYC. The organization has a number of programs. One of them takes place every Saturday morning in Central Park. You are paired with kids with disabilities and run 1-2 laps around the bridle path (up to 3.5 miles).

This is a perfect opportunity for those who enjoy running and want to volunteer to enable and empower people with disabilities to achieve their athletic goals. Continue reading Giving back →

Sometimes I blame NYC for all my problems. There is truth to the idea that a city itself is a living being. A character unto itself. The composite all of its inhabitants, environmental features, and history. Different places and people draw out different sides and versions of yourself. For me, it has been a drinking city. A workaholic city and a drinking city. Time and funds are quickly drained with the carousing, socializing, rents, and the constant temptation to do and sample everything. You can make millions and still feel poor.

Continue reading Drinking, demons, draining →

It was 2am. I was walking back slowly from a dinner at the Mexican restaurant Rosie’s in the East Village, which was followed by drinks and deep conversation at a tiny bar with opera singers and an offbeat crew of barmaids and patrons. It felt more like Bavaria than NYC.

My gait and facial expression were probably dead giveaways that I was deep in thought. I had written someone a monster-length text saying that I really didn’t want to go to the beach with him the next day. It was for a petty reason. He didn’t want to walk a few extra blocks to meet me at a subway stop that would have made more sense for both of us and for our ultimate destination. He was adamant and aggressive about it. I guess I was tired of lazy people, and I had decided earlier in the night to hold people to higher standards, particularly in how they treat people and their general attitude towards life. As someone who is often overly accommodating (I hadn’t even wanted to go to the beach anyway!), I felt bad about the prospect of upsetting him. But i still pressed send.

I must have had an air of vulnerability and weakness about me. Continue reading Attacked in NYC (again) →

The weather couldn’t be better.

I love all my friends.

But I’m all happy and miserable, and I feel like there are loud echoes in my head. Too much noise. It’s so loud in my brain.

I’ve been drowning that out with alcohol. Maybe it’s all the ghosts of my past selves reappearing. Maybe it’s just habitual. It could just be the abundance of food and drink options.

I love NYC, but it’s hard to be back.

If I stay, I need to build something new and depart from the old ways of being. Become self-affirming rather than self-destructive. There are too many layers weighing me down.

I’ll start with sobriety.