The other night in Gili Air, I was looking for wifi to cancel my flight (again). My flight was supposed to take off…in a few hours from now actually. I stomped onto the beaches of multiple restaurants demanding the code and stomped out. In one particular restaurant – Chillout Bungalows – I went for the multiple-entry stomping.
Suddenly, I heard, “Excuse me.” I looked up and saw a laid-back-looking blonde guy. I had noticed him looking at me with bemusement the last few times I had stomped onto the beach to decipher the piece of paper handed to me by the waiter and type in the “username” and “password” fields. Hands up in air! How the F is anyone supposed to understand these instructions????????
Sunrise on Gili Air looking at the volcanos of Lombok
When the wifi gods are cooperating with me, I’ll have to upload photos. I’m on a tiny little island called Gili Air near Lombok. It is part of an archipelago of three Gili Islands – Gili Trawangan (party island), Gili Meno (fairly deserted), and Gili Air (still very quiet but a bit in the middle).
I had considered coming here at the beginning of my Bali trip, but due to full boats and other considerations, I had crossed it off the list. When I was in Amed, I met a German family, and we snorkeled together. Afterwards, the father, Neil, approached me and told me I should go to Gili Air, to Manta Dive, and complete my open water certification. I really didn’t give it much thought except that I remembered SCUBA being on my 2016 New Year’s resolution list (well, less of a resolution and more of a strong interest). I decided to go for it. My full moon meditation/drinking sessions were wearing on me a bit, and I was ready to move on to a place where I could be fully alone. The next day, I was on a boat to Gili Air.
Gili Air is beautiful. Crystal clear turquoise waters, white beaches, and sandy pathways with directional wooden signs listing lodging and food locations. No cars or scooters – just horses. Several times a day, you will hear the haunting call to prayer in the distance (Bali is Hindu, but the rest of Indonesia is Muslim). While most of the island is populated with tourists – largely Danes, French, and Germans – it maintains a relaxed vibe.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been defrosting. I’m trying to lead a healthy life, feel real feelings, and be less of a corporate robot. It’s been working, and I finally understand why people have been telling me to take time to heal and not rush into a new job. I know even know what I really want or who I really am without the layers of having spent so much time playing different roles to be with different people and hold different jobs.
It’s almost like I’m letting the valve of my subconscious mind open in spurts to release pent up energy, and every day things get just a little bit clearer. Most notably, I’ve been feeling disappointment and pain a lot more and in a more real way that I had previously. When I was working, you could have told me the world was going to end, and I would have coldly and immediately started asking questions to diagnose the gravity of the situation, drafting up a workplan, and assembling a team to save it. And then having regular and daily check-ins as necessary to make sure we were on track. With only resolve and determination, only affected passion (no real emotion), and no real fear. Dead inside. When you’ve gone through so much shit and calamity and everything is crumbling around you, and you’re the only one doing anything about it, and it is exhausting but effective, it’s pretty easy to get in that mode. War. Survival. Live another day. Fight this battle but know there will be the next one coming up in minutes. Nothing could phase me. I was broken inside and despairing, but on the outside, especially when it came to work, everything was goal-oriented and transactional.
